Danielle and Rob go out during their lunch break
EXT. LOCAL CAFE. DAY
DANIELLE TAKES A SIP OF HER COFFEE
Danielle: I want a husband!
ROB SNIGGERS
Rob: Haha, Why?
Danielle: So he can take me out for lunch, grab the best table in the room, order the food as he knows what i like to eat, remember dessert and then pay for it all, including a generous tip.
ROB ROLLS HIS EYES
Rob: Is that all?
Danielle: I want a husband who can give me his coat for when I'm cold, warm me up with a cup of hot chocolate and light a fire just in case.
Rob: How about buying a warmer jacket?
DANIELLE IGNORES
Danielle: I want a husband to save me from all the creepy crawlies visiting my room, pick them up without killing them, take it outside to a new home and then wash his hands before touching anything.
Rob: Ever heard of insect repellents?
Danielle: No. I want a husband who can open all the tough jar lids for me, change the bulbs, fix the blockage in the sink, then assemble the new furniture.
Rob: Erm okay...
Danielle: And a husband who can leave me alone most of the day, whilst he works hard to pay the bills, and arrives not tired but happy, helpful and complimentary.
Rob: I think we should get back to work...
ROB RISES
Danielle: I want a husband who is an eternal romantic.
Rob: OKAY! I hate to break it to you Danni but ... your MARRIED!
Danielle: Oh, I almost forgot. (SIGH)
Commentary: I used the repetition of 'I want a husband' to imitate the original article but add an opposing narrative. The use of asyndetic list also reflects on the techniques that Syfer uses to emphasize things expected of a partner. The stage directions are used to help the audience imagine the situation and also help understand how the characters are feeling, for example ‘ROB RISES’ is used to explain how he has lost interest and is feeling uncomfortable hence why he quickly rushes to get going back to work. The capital letters on ‘MARRIED’ is used to strengthen the tone of the word and illustrate his voice getting louder. The italics on ‘Almost’ is used to show the stress on the word to help the audience hear her sense of disappointment in her tone of voice. Sound effects, voiceover, narration and dialogue are all common techniques used in radio plays to help the audience get a better understanding of the situation and make the audience engage as they feel as if they are actually watching it or included in the play.
WWW I really like the recast script - inventive, witty and well written. You have taken a spin on the original and it works.
ReplyDeleteebi However, the commentary doesn't 'cut the mustard' it is superficial and seems overly pre-occupied with typography when you have numerous areas to focus on with regard to language and literary analysis. have another go at it and really examine your own writing.